im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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