His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
