Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
