and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
