he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Randomize
