Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
