theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
