im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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