What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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