Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
