you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
When are your genitals available?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
