I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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