Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
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