you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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