Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
