I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
