I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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