i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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