If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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