Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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