don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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