Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
