I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
When are your genitals available?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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