The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I have feelings that need drinking.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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