Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I didn't notice because vodka
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
