The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
