as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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