Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
