Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
