shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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