It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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