yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
one might say we're banned from that church
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
