Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
