when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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