you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
