this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
