woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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