Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i will never coherently bang her
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
