the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
