i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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