In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You are the jesus of drinking
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
