You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
