I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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