sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
