the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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