Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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