I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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