Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
