u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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