Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
