9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize