I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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