tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
