I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
