Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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