I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
