So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
