Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
