Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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