my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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