sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize