I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize