I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
