just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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