Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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