the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
