You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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