got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
