Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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